Co-Parenting is Hard

How do I get the power back? How do I stop letting his criticisms and mean condescension slice me? Why do I give him so much power? Why do I care what he thinks of me?

Two weeks ago, he sent me a nasty text message about a gift that my son received for Hanukkah. It was to the effect of, "How dare you buy him something I said I was getting?" and truth be told, it was a mistake. But it was his tone that shredded my last nerve. This is why we got divorced. This is why I don't have to put up with his shit anymore. So, instead of flying off the handle like I usually do (bad, bad, bad..I need to learn to count to 10 or a trillion or something), I ignored the text. The next morning, he brought my son home and started in on me the moment the door opened.

"It's 20 degrees. Why isn't he wearing a hat? Why isn't he wearing gloves?"

I held up my hand which alternately meant, stop yelling at me, and go fuck yourself.

"Well, that's why he's sick!" He yelled and stormed off.

It's been sunshine and roses with him ever since. Every text is dripping with sarcasm. Every exchange is filled with barely-contained hate. I'm all about keeping the peace. But I refuse to be treated like a doormat --- I let that go on for eight years and I am not doing it one minute longer. He was civil and cordial for the last several months, but as always, when something in his life goes wrong, he remembers how vividly and viscerally he hates me.

Today, my son has had a resurgence of this sickness which pretty much felled his entire class. When the ex picked him up tonight, he started in on me again about the hat and gloves.

"I don't criticize your parenting choices. Don't criticize mine!" I yelled.
"What parenting choices?" He sniped.
"He's not sick because he doesn't wear a hat for the 15 seconds he is in the "elements" between his house and the car. It's viral. Have you read a medical journal in the last 50 years??"
"No kid goes outside without a hat and gloves."
"He HAS a hat and gloves!" I say, exasperated.
"Well he wasn't wearing them when I picked him up."
"Well, I can't control what he didn't have on when you picked him up!"
The ex rolls his eyes at this one. Yes, file that one under imperfect parenting #765-001.
"I know, I'm the worst mother ever...."
He looks at me and rolls his eyes. "THAT is a different story for another time..." He spits, the threat still hanging in the space between us.
"What is your problem?" I ask, tears starting to make their way front and center.
"Oh nothing."
"Well, if you can't take any time off to care for him tomorrow, then bring him home and I will take care of him."

I run inside and slam the door and my tears erupt violently. Racking, heaving, horrible sobs that I have let him get to me once again. Why do I let him do this? We have been divorced for almost two years. Yes, the divorce was my fault. Yes, I wronged him. Yes, I deserve his hatred for eternity plus 10. But how, really, are we supposed to parent this sweet, funny, wonderful little boy together if he won't at least dabble in courtesy and cooperation.

I'm very ashamed to say that for the first time, my son overheard this. It pains me to even write this. We have, somehow (thank god) kept this away from him thus far. Tonight, it was like a volcanic spewing of bitter, corrosive lava. I feel like I have let my son down. Worse, implicit in my ex's statements, was this sense that he is biding his time to tell my son, "Your mother cheated on me. She broke this marriage. She broke this family." Does he want to turn my child against me? Of course he does. Does he care that his son only has one mother and that a child needs a good relationship with both parents? No, sad to say, I am afraid he does not.

I am drained. But mostly, I am uncertain of the next step. Saying aloud that I will not let his hatred affect me any longer is clearly not working. I don't have time for therapy. I am a full-time working, single mother. But I cannot let this man, this jackass of a person, continue to elicit this response from me. I need to figure out how to move on.

How do I move on?